we love colton dixon.

Currently, John and I are sitting in the waiting area of the hospital. Mom has been in surgery for probably about 2 hours now, so we have about 2 more until surgery is done, and then we'll have to wait another hour before we can see her while she's in the recovery room.

Like most other Americans, I just can't get enough American Idol this year! These people can SING. I'm loving it. They are all fabulous, but one contestant stands out to me above the rest: Colton. Mom loves him too. So, I decided to look for his performance because I missed it the other night. I just got goose bumps on my head, that's how good he was! This will make it onto our "encouraging songs on tough days" playlist for sure! Thanks Colton for covering this awesome song. Praying for you as you continue to be a light for Christ!

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the hope [& anxiety] of tomorrow

I just realized that I never posted about last week's doctor visit, and that is kind of REALLY important!

One week ago, Mom, John (my stepdad), and I went to see cute, bubbly, blonde, pink from head-to-toe, Dr. Parnell. After sitting in the waiting room with the TV blaring something awful on the news, we were ushered back to a room. The anticipation was killing me. My stomach had been in knots all day leading up to this appointment because it was THE Appointment in which all test results were to be discussed. My "please be benign" prayer had become a rhythmic chant in my spirit.

Enter Dr. Parnell at 4:19 PM, 8 hours after my early-morning wake-up, 3 hours after the knots in my stomach had a chokehold on me, and 1 hour after feeling like I was going to regurgitate my pounding heart. The results were apparently just as new to Dr. P as they were going to be to us, because she kept saying, "Oh, this is good... This is great... Oh good," as she perused them.

I wanted to jump out of my chair and say, "Can we please join in on the party, girlfriend?! I'm dying over here!" Instead, I cleared my throat, smiled at Mom, and remained quietly seated.

When Dr. P realized that she was in the same room as us again, she told us that the MRI showed that there were no other tumors other than the ones we already knew about in Mom's left breast, meaning none in her other breast or lymph nodes. Thank You, Lord! :) I heard Mom, John, and I all sigh a huge sigh of relief simultaneously. Then, we talked about surgery, medicine, chemo, and all that jazz. To keep it simple and in "layman's terms," here's the deal...

Tomorrow's surgery is a mastectomy to remove Mom's left breast. In about 6 weeks, Mom will begin chemotherapy, even though the cancerous tumors will be removed. Dr. P said that there are a few reasons to undergo chemotherapy, but the main one in Mom's case is the fact that the one tumor is just so large. So, based on size alone, chemo is necessary. Also, she will take medication for the next 5 years! Crazy, right? It's called tamoxifen. It's kind of a fun word to say, and if it makes my mom better, I like the sound of it all the more!

So there it is, in everyday lingo for us.

Dr. P said something to the jist of, "It may sound weird, but if you were to choose which kind of breast cancer to have, this is the best case scenario." I know, it sounds a tad insensitive, but if you'd been there when she said it, you would have smiled just as big as Mom and I did. She's our kind of surgeon!

When we left the doctor's office, we got even more of a surprise as my dad pulled up next to us with my sister Amanda in the car with him! My sweet, happy-go-lucky, beautiful, pregnant sister. It was the best gift for Mom. We had a sweet weekend together before they both headed back North with the promise of visiting again in early May. Going into this week wasn't so hard for Mom because of my sister being here, even for just a few days. It makes me cry to even think about how Amanda loves Mom just as much as I do, but she lives a country away. The bond that the three of us have is unbelievable; I feel so blessed to have such strong, Godly women in my life.

All of this to say, tomorrow we are walking into Grand Strand Regional Medical Center with hope, faith in God's grace and healing, and the love and support of so many amazing family members. We are blessed. Even though I am feeling very nervous about the whole thing, I am clinging to some Bible verses that God just keeps bringing to mind tonight. I'll share them with you:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord.
[Psalm 31:24]

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and earnest pleading, together with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
[Philippians 4:6]

Your prayers are appreciated! I will keep you updated in the days to come.

Keeping faith, AJR

laying down all my rights

Preface: A few months ago, I declared myself to be "sensitive to gluten," which means that through experiments with what I ate, I discovered that foods with gluten in them made me feel terrible in many different ways. No need for full disclosure on exactly what I mean by that. Use your imagination if you must. Since the girls at work and I talk like schoolgirls constantly, they know this about me. Well, when the news of my mom's diagnosis got around, my very sweet and dear friend from work told me that I should just go and eat something with a lot of gluten in it because I "deserve" to. I know that this friend did not mean any harm on me by her comment because she is just darling and very loving. She just meant that I needed to indulge in something. However, I've been mulling this comment over in my head and making it into a life lesson.

Great Wall of Chocolate. PF Changs. A gigantic, 6 pound piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting complete with a side of chocolate chips, drizzled with raspberry sauce. A slice of heaven in my mouth, turmoil in my digestive system. I hope that's not what I deserve! Same goes for all of us when we say, "I deserve more/better/greater things!" I bet God cringes when He hears us saying that, since He sent His son to DIE so that we didn't get what we deserve.

If we really got what we deserve, we'd all hate our lives so much! I hope you realize you are asking for hell every time you ask God to give you what you deserve. It is only through His love, grace, and blessings that we are where we are. Ask for more of His grace, love, mercy, kindness, patience, courage, wisdom, or whatever else He may choose to give you in each new day! Imagine if you stopped thinking, "He'll give me what I deserve," and started praying, "God, give me more and more and more and more of YOU!"

Song lyrics help me all the time too. I've been listening to the Passion: White Flag CD on repeat lately. The song "Lay Me Down" is incredible. The one line that gets me is, "Letting go of my pride, laying down all my rights. Take this life and let it shine," followed by, "It will be my joy to say, 'Your will, Your way- always!"

I may be late to the game with this revelation, but my friend's good-intentioned comment began this thought, and The Hunger Games kind of brought it all together. I know, I learn my lessons through weird mediums. It's something I've always thought about, but everything that is happening with my mom is really just driving this home in my life right now. In my eyes, she so does not deserve to be diagnosed with breast cancer, facing a mastectomy on Friday, followed by chemo for six months. She does not deserve the pain, anxiety, "new" but not the best looking changes to her body, hospital bills, and all that will ensue after this weekend. She does deserve a house of her own, the ability to travel the world and experience new cultures, record a CD of her beautiful singing voice, and whatever else she could ever dream of having/doing. But that's what she deserves in my eyes, not His. 

I can't wait to see what He brings to her! What He brings is always exponentially greater than what we could EVER imagine, even from cancerous times.

Reminds me of another song... "Oh You Bring" by Hillsong United: "Oh You bring, hope to the hopeless. Light to those in the darkness/ Peace to the restless/ Joy to homes that are broken... I see You now. In You I'm found."

Let's grow in this together and see what He chooses to bring to us when we lay ourselves down for the glory of His name.

All my love, AJR

one week ago...

One week ago cancer wasn’t even a thought in my mind. Words such as surgery, mastectomy, tumor, lump, benign, malignant, chemotherapy, and radiation were not in my daily vernacular. Then, this past Saturday morning, my mom sat down with me and told me that she had two lumps in her left breast. She told me that she had been to two doctors and that plans were in motion for an MRI and a mastectomy over the next few weeks. Let me break that down for you. An MRI is a radiological scan that tells if there is any more cancer anywhere else in her body, and also of all of the details on the tumors the doctors know about. A mastectomy is a surgery in which the doctor will remove my mom’s entire breast as to prevent cancer’s recurrence.

With all of these words suddenly being thrown at me, my head was spinning. I was numb, which is odd for me because I cry at the drop of a hat. As she told me the details of what was next, I just sat there and stared at her. Then, I cried. It was a strong, babyish sob as she held and reassured me. I thought, Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?!

Well, I guess this will help you understand my mom’s heart… As I write this from the living room, I can hear my stepdad and her praying aloud in their room. They’re praying that the doctors, other patients, and anyone who hears of my mom’s condition will see Jesus. They’re praying that no matter what becomes of this, that at least one person will be exposed to His love and glory. So there you go. I think that sums it up. She is using this to share the love of Christ. She is using this awful diagnosis to change herself for the better. Together, we are using this diagnosis as an opportunity to love more deeply, serve selflessly, and trust Him completely. I told my stepdad yesterday that we have to see this as an honor… an honor to trust Jesus completely for everything we will need. Reminds me of a song we used to sing at camp when I was a kid: “All of You is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, You satisfy me, with Your love, and all I have in You is more than enough!”

But trust me- that was not easy to say. If you know me, then you know that I believe that my mom is the best human on the planet. She is my confidant, my life coach, my go-to girl. She laughs at my lame jokes and odd musings, she supports every decision I make. She is patient, loving, and nonjudgmental of me at all times. She is selfless, wise, and sings with the voice of an angel. Also, if you know me, then another thing that you know about me is that I am extremely and annoyingly tenderhearted. I worry about others constantly and am always making sure that everyone is alright. I take a lot on myself and my mind never shuts down because it is constantly thinking of things to be doing. 

If I am being completely honest, whenever I open my Bible right now, I can barely make it through one verse without internally screaming, “GOD! Are you serious?! Why why why why whyyyyy?” So all of this talk about letting Him use us is a big pill to swallow every day, but I so desire for it to be instilled and ingrained into my head and my heart so that it will really be true and not just what I write to sound like I have it all together… Even if it kills me! And oh, by the way, I do NOT have it all together.

All of this to say, you just never know what the course of of a few days will bring. Life is tough, inconsistent, and brutal. Jesus is consistent in all He does. Look for Him working in your life. Allow Him to work through the times that are frustrating and breaking you. Tell Him you’re mad. Tell Him you’re broken and you think your life sucks. I am so glad that He never gets tired of me saying that to Him because I have been a sucky baby lately! He’s probably laughing at me and thinking, Girl, calm it down. Trust me. Not yourself, but me!

If you’re not a believer in Christ and this all sounds like a bunch of hogwash to you, I am so glad that you’re reading this! Please keep up with my mom’s journey. It will all start to make sense over time, trust me!

To those of you who are my dear, sweet friends, please be in constant prayer for my mom. That might sound like a selfish request, but oh well! I just know that big, triumphant, and amazing things are on the way for her.

I will be updating this blog regularly. I am sure that Mom will be writing on here some as well, and maybe a guest contributor or two. J

Be blessed.