one week ago...

One week ago cancer wasn’t even a thought in my mind. Words such as surgery, mastectomy, tumor, lump, benign, malignant, chemotherapy, and radiation were not in my daily vernacular. Then, this past Saturday morning, my mom sat down with me and told me that she had two lumps in her left breast. She told me that she had been to two doctors and that plans were in motion for an MRI and a mastectomy over the next few weeks. Let me break that down for you. An MRI is a radiological scan that tells if there is any more cancer anywhere else in her body, and also of all of the details on the tumors the doctors know about. A mastectomy is a surgery in which the doctor will remove my mom’s entire breast as to prevent cancer’s recurrence.

With all of these words suddenly being thrown at me, my head was spinning. I was numb, which is odd for me because I cry at the drop of a hat. As she told me the details of what was next, I just sat there and stared at her. Then, I cried. It was a strong, babyish sob as she held and reassured me. I thought, Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?!

Well, I guess this will help you understand my mom’s heart… As I write this from the living room, I can hear my stepdad and her praying aloud in their room. They’re praying that the doctors, other patients, and anyone who hears of my mom’s condition will see Jesus. They’re praying that no matter what becomes of this, that at least one person will be exposed to His love and glory. So there you go. I think that sums it up. She is using this to share the love of Christ. She is using this awful diagnosis to change herself for the better. Together, we are using this diagnosis as an opportunity to love more deeply, serve selflessly, and trust Him completely. I told my stepdad yesterday that we have to see this as an honor… an honor to trust Jesus completely for everything we will need. Reminds me of a song we used to sing at camp when I was a kid: “All of You is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, You satisfy me, with Your love, and all I have in You is more than enough!”

But trust me- that was not easy to say. If you know me, then you know that I believe that my mom is the best human on the planet. She is my confidant, my life coach, my go-to girl. She laughs at my lame jokes and odd musings, she supports every decision I make. She is patient, loving, and nonjudgmental of me at all times. She is selfless, wise, and sings with the voice of an angel. Also, if you know me, then another thing that you know about me is that I am extremely and annoyingly tenderhearted. I worry about others constantly and am always making sure that everyone is alright. I take a lot on myself and my mind never shuts down because it is constantly thinking of things to be doing. 

If I am being completely honest, whenever I open my Bible right now, I can barely make it through one verse without internally screaming, “GOD! Are you serious?! Why why why why whyyyyy?” So all of this talk about letting Him use us is a big pill to swallow every day, but I so desire for it to be instilled and ingrained into my head and my heart so that it will really be true and not just what I write to sound like I have it all together… Even if it kills me! And oh, by the way, I do NOT have it all together.

All of this to say, you just never know what the course of of a few days will bring. Life is tough, inconsistent, and brutal. Jesus is consistent in all He does. Look for Him working in your life. Allow Him to work through the times that are frustrating and breaking you. Tell Him you’re mad. Tell Him you’re broken and you think your life sucks. I am so glad that He never gets tired of me saying that to Him because I have been a sucky baby lately! He’s probably laughing at me and thinking, Girl, calm it down. Trust me. Not yourself, but me!

If you’re not a believer in Christ and this all sounds like a bunch of hogwash to you, I am so glad that you’re reading this! Please keep up with my mom’s journey. It will all start to make sense over time, trust me!

To those of you who are my dear, sweet friends, please be in constant prayer for my mom. That might sound like a selfish request, but oh well! I just know that big, triumphant, and amazing things are on the way for her.

I will be updating this blog regularly. I am sure that Mom will be writing on here some as well, and maybe a guest contributor or two. J

Be blessed.