Grandpa

I was 17 going on 18 when my grandfather passed away. It was 4 days after Christmas. As I watched the paramedics take his body out of the house, I remembered that past summer when Amanda and I were doing summer missions. Grandma and Grandpa had come to Myrtle Beach to visit, and before they left, he gave me one of his bear hugs and kissed me on the forehead. He whispered, “I am so proud of you, Lissie.” I felt invincible. Every time I felt like giving up on my missions team that summer, I would replay my grandpa’s words in my head as encouragement.

This morning when I woke up, I thought, “Today is the day. It’s the 29^th.” I put it off for a few hours as I did some stuff around my apartment, but then a framed photo of my grandpa and me at age four caught my eye. I sat on the floor and cried as I recalled those words that he had said to me 5 years ago. I’d forgotten. Now I am 22 going on 23, and I wonder how much more I would have been able to accomplish in the last five years if I’d only remembered those sweet encouraging words more often. Tonight, as I sit here and think about him, I am vowing to post those words in my room. Every morning as I wake up, I will read them and draw strength from them.

It makes me think about how many people have never had such empowering words spoken to them. Over the last four months that I have been in Toronto, I have encountered so many people who are searching for genuine friendships and encouragement. Have I gotten that self-centered that I don’t think that it’s a necessity anymore? Because it definitely is! My prayer is that I will not neglect to uplift those around me. I want to take on new eyes and see everyone as my loving grandfather saw his 17 year old granddaughter: tender, slightly scared, and just making it in this crazy world.

Speaking truth into people’s lives is so uncommon, but is always remembered for years to come. My grandfather’s words will live and blossom in my spirit for years to come. On this fifth anniversary of his passing, my promise is to walk in the light of his pride that he possessed for me and carry on his legacy to every person I meet. 

down towards the healing.

I want to make you happy, but I've fallen... I'm sorry.
I thought my wings could hold me up with angels not demons. 
You don't know how cool you are to find the ways to love me without shame! 

I want my life to be red, with trees and like autumn.
I'd float away from evil and down towards the healing.
So sad now we have become the children trapped in the mazes. 
I'd give my soul to the one who has the courage to find me and free me now!

If I run out, just be cool like all the vacant lights.
So let the thunders take me under and break my legs tonight. 


Lovedrug's "Down Towards the Healing" 


This song has always had such an impact on me. I don't even think these guys are Christians, but this song is accurate to a human's relationship with Jesus... or at least mine. My favorite line is, "You don't know how cool you are to find the ways to love me without shame!" How true. 


I realized it's been stuck in my head all day, so I thought I should share it on here. Hope it's encouraging for you too! 


Good night. 
AJR

New creations... Eventually.

I apologize for not writing for the past month and a half. When I started this blog, my intention was to be more intentional about writing. I feel bad for slacking!

Wow, so much has happened since my last post about Mom coming home. I'll just start where we left off in our journey, and bring you up to current times... Sound good? Let's gooo!

A few weeks after being home, I took Mom to the oncology center. It was The Day... the day when we would find out if Mom's scans came back showing more cancer in other places, or came back clean. I felt so sick; I thought I was going to puke all over if I opened my mouth, so I didn't say much as I drove. Mom was quiet too. I knew she had to feel sick if I felt the way I did. It seemed selfish for me to feel that nauseated, so I waited a few days to tell her how I was really feeling in those moments.

Well, anyone who has even been to even just a family practice for a cold knows that you have to wait the day away to even catch a glimpse of a doctor, meanwhile picking up everyone else's sickness while waiting. Things are no different for cancer patients, even though they should be! These poor souls have to sit in a cold office and wait for crucial results, and these doctors still take their sweet, sweet time.
Makes no sense to me.

So we waited.

We heard Dr. Milling walk by a few times in the hall, but he never opened our door. By this time, I was stretched out in the stiff-backed chair, trying to stretch out my stomach muscles and make them less tense. I sat up like a proper lady when he finally made his entrance. There he was- the man with The Answers. Dr. Milling, AKA "Lee." A younger guy with swoopy/floppy, brownish/blonde hair and very big, bulging blue eyes. Sporting flat-front khakis, a blue and white plaid button-up, and brown leather loafers.

He greeted us and then proceeded to recap Mom's whole history like they do with the, "Previously on..." at the beginning of prime time television shows. Just in case we'd missed anything. My thoughts were, Thanks a heap for the recap, Lee. Let's get this show on the road because I'm gonna need a straight jacket if you don't move things along any time soon! But his brain is like an encyclopedia, and you can just see the pages turning as he just spouts medical knowledge rapidly yet conversationally at you all at once. It's like he just can't help himself because he is that intelligent.

When we had made it to present-day in his recap, he finally said, "So your scans show that you have no active cancer cells anywhere else in your body."
I had to replay that statement over in my mind a few times before the meaning of it truly set in. I caught most of what he said after that, but I was too busy thanking Jesus to hear everything.


Even though her scans were clean, "curative chemotherapy" was prescribed, which means that this chemo will prevent and help keep cancer at bay, which would be ideal! However, that does not make it any less painful or sickening than any other type of chemo.

In fact, it was terrible.

I mean, I cannot speak from experience as I was not the one who took it, but I can speak from the experience of the hours following Mom's first treatment, which was two weeks ago. What I really wanted to do was just take on her nausea and frustrations for her. That's really what I have been thinking through this whole thing: I want to alleviate this dreadful physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. It's a battle. It sucks. It takes time to get better, only to go through it all over again.

So, tomorrow is round 2 of 4 in this first batch of treatments. She goes in every two weeks for "A" and "C." They are both long and fancy-sounding drugs, but it is easier to call them A and C. Plus, Doc Milling does, and he always sounds smart, so I'll follow his lead. A and C are the bullies. They are the strong meds that cause hair loss, nausea, drowsiness, and just all-around cruddiness. They're really, really invasive and impolite. I hate them. When Mom has finally mocked them and made them run home crying in a few more weeks, it is "T"'s turn to invade. This med is not as mean, according to our Main Man Milling. This will be administered once a week for three months, putting the series finale of this drama to air some time in mid-September.

The good news is that Mom has not lost her hair yet. She was told that it would begin to go after the first week and a half, and like I said, we are already 2 weeks in past the first round of treatments. My prayer is that she will not lose it, or at least if she does, she won't lose it completely. I am still considering cutting mine really short if she does lose hers... we'll see. Would anyone else be willing to chop their locks off too? Might be kinda fun... ;)

So there ya go. Today we are making it. Some days are more triumphant than others, but who doesn't feel that way? Mom is strong-willed and grounded in her faith.

Pray that she continues to remain strong in Jesus' strength alone. I need that prayer for my own life too.

Lord, we need Your strength. We love You. Please continue to make a way for my mom in this challenging time. We know You have a plan and purpose for all of this. Let us not lose sight of that glorious thought. 

"I may be weak, but Your spirit is strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God You never will. Give me faith to trust what you say. That You're good, and Your love is great. I'm broken inside, I give You my life." - Elevation Worship, "Give Me Faith"

catchin' up.

Let me just start this post with a little story for you. I guess I just always assumed that if people read your blog, they would also leave a comment. Maybe that's because I find it necessary to contribute my sage wisdom or opinion all too often to things that I read! Apparently I slipped and described my sister as "pregnant" in a previous post. While this is very much a genuine fact about her, I was unaware of two things:  (number one) My sister had not told her friends that she was indeed expecting, and (number 2) people actually read this! I'm honored. Thank you, whoever you are. Also, if you found out about the upcoming Doner child via my blog, I'm sorry, I know that's a weird way to find out something like that!

Anyways, on to other news... After 4 nights in the hospital, Mom's home! YAY! It feels great to have her here. Now we are just trying to get into a routine for the next few weeks as she is continuing her recovery. Can I just say that she is handling everything from the pains of John and me constantly fussing over her to the more excruciating pains of her chest like a champ!

I know she has a long road ahead, so please continue to pray for her as she heals. Let's pray that this process does not include radiation or chemotherapy! We'll find out more later this week via the surgical results and readings.

This post is brief, but I am going to take advantage of getting some sleep now. I just wanted to catch all of my "loyal readers" up to date.

We love you all and are so grateful for your love and prayers. Each day brings a little bit more healing with it, and it's been encouraging to watch Mom get back little by little to being her strong, beautiful-spirited self.

Ever so grateful, AJR 

we love colton dixon.

Currently, John and I are sitting in the waiting area of the hospital. Mom has been in surgery for probably about 2 hours now, so we have about 2 more until surgery is done, and then we'll have to wait another hour before we can see her while she's in the recovery room.

Like most other Americans, I just can't get enough American Idol this year! These people can SING. I'm loving it. They are all fabulous, but one contestant stands out to me above the rest: Colton. Mom loves him too. So, I decided to look for his performance because I missed it the other night. I just got goose bumps on my head, that's how good he was! This will make it onto our "encouraging songs on tough days" playlist for sure! Thanks Colton for covering this awesome song. Praying for you as you continue to be a light for Christ!

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/zaddMmYbhEA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

the hope [& anxiety] of tomorrow

I just realized that I never posted about last week's doctor visit, and that is kind of REALLY important!

One week ago, Mom, John (my stepdad), and I went to see cute, bubbly, blonde, pink from head-to-toe, Dr. Parnell. After sitting in the waiting room with the TV blaring something awful on the news, we were ushered back to a room. The anticipation was killing me. My stomach had been in knots all day leading up to this appointment because it was THE Appointment in which all test results were to be discussed. My "please be benign" prayer had become a rhythmic chant in my spirit.

Enter Dr. Parnell at 4:19 PM, 8 hours after my early-morning wake-up, 3 hours after the knots in my stomach had a chokehold on me, and 1 hour after feeling like I was going to regurgitate my pounding heart. The results were apparently just as new to Dr. P as they were going to be to us, because she kept saying, "Oh, this is good... This is great... Oh good," as she perused them.

I wanted to jump out of my chair and say, "Can we please join in on the party, girlfriend?! I'm dying over here!" Instead, I cleared my throat, smiled at Mom, and remained quietly seated.

When Dr. P realized that she was in the same room as us again, she told us that the MRI showed that there were no other tumors other than the ones we already knew about in Mom's left breast, meaning none in her other breast or lymph nodes. Thank You, Lord! :) I heard Mom, John, and I all sigh a huge sigh of relief simultaneously. Then, we talked about surgery, medicine, chemo, and all that jazz. To keep it simple and in "layman's terms," here's the deal...

Tomorrow's surgery is a mastectomy to remove Mom's left breast. In about 6 weeks, Mom will begin chemotherapy, even though the cancerous tumors will be removed. Dr. P said that there are a few reasons to undergo chemotherapy, but the main one in Mom's case is the fact that the one tumor is just so large. So, based on size alone, chemo is necessary. Also, she will take medication for the next 5 years! Crazy, right? It's called tamoxifen. It's kind of a fun word to say, and if it makes my mom better, I like the sound of it all the more!

So there it is, in everyday lingo for us.

Dr. P said something to the jist of, "It may sound weird, but if you were to choose which kind of breast cancer to have, this is the best case scenario." I know, it sounds a tad insensitive, but if you'd been there when she said it, you would have smiled just as big as Mom and I did. She's our kind of surgeon!

When we left the doctor's office, we got even more of a surprise as my dad pulled up next to us with my sister Amanda in the car with him! My sweet, happy-go-lucky, beautiful, pregnant sister. It was the best gift for Mom. We had a sweet weekend together before they both headed back North with the promise of visiting again in early May. Going into this week wasn't so hard for Mom because of my sister being here, even for just a few days. It makes me cry to even think about how Amanda loves Mom just as much as I do, but she lives a country away. The bond that the three of us have is unbelievable; I feel so blessed to have such strong, Godly women in my life.

All of this to say, tomorrow we are walking into Grand Strand Regional Medical Center with hope, faith in God's grace and healing, and the love and support of so many amazing family members. We are blessed. Even though I am feeling very nervous about the whole thing, I am clinging to some Bible verses that God just keeps bringing to mind tonight. I'll share them with you:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
[Jeremiah 29:11-13]

Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord.
[Psalm 31:24]

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and earnest pleading, together with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
[Philippians 4:6]

Your prayers are appreciated! I will keep you updated in the days to come.

Keeping faith, AJR

laying down all my rights

Preface: A few months ago, I declared myself to be "sensitive to gluten," which means that through experiments with what I ate, I discovered that foods with gluten in them made me feel terrible in many different ways. No need for full disclosure on exactly what I mean by that. Use your imagination if you must. Since the girls at work and I talk like schoolgirls constantly, they know this about me. Well, when the news of my mom's diagnosis got around, my very sweet and dear friend from work told me that I should just go and eat something with a lot of gluten in it because I "deserve" to. I know that this friend did not mean any harm on me by her comment because she is just darling and very loving. She just meant that I needed to indulge in something. However, I've been mulling this comment over in my head and making it into a life lesson.

Great Wall of Chocolate. PF Changs. A gigantic, 6 pound piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting complete with a side of chocolate chips, drizzled with raspberry sauce. A slice of heaven in my mouth, turmoil in my digestive system. I hope that's not what I deserve! Same goes for all of us when we say, "I deserve more/better/greater things!" I bet God cringes when He hears us saying that, since He sent His son to DIE so that we didn't get what we deserve.

If we really got what we deserve, we'd all hate our lives so much! I hope you realize you are asking for hell every time you ask God to give you what you deserve. It is only through His love, grace, and blessings that we are where we are. Ask for more of His grace, love, mercy, kindness, patience, courage, wisdom, or whatever else He may choose to give you in each new day! Imagine if you stopped thinking, "He'll give me what I deserve," and started praying, "God, give me more and more and more and more of YOU!"

Song lyrics help me all the time too. I've been listening to the Passion: White Flag CD on repeat lately. The song "Lay Me Down" is incredible. The one line that gets me is, "Letting go of my pride, laying down all my rights. Take this life and let it shine," followed by, "It will be my joy to say, 'Your will, Your way- always!"

I may be late to the game with this revelation, but my friend's good-intentioned comment began this thought, and The Hunger Games kind of brought it all together. I know, I learn my lessons through weird mediums. It's something I've always thought about, but everything that is happening with my mom is really just driving this home in my life right now. In my eyes, she so does not deserve to be diagnosed with breast cancer, facing a mastectomy on Friday, followed by chemo for six months. She does not deserve the pain, anxiety, "new" but not the best looking changes to her body, hospital bills, and all that will ensue after this weekend. She does deserve a house of her own, the ability to travel the world and experience new cultures, record a CD of her beautiful singing voice, and whatever else she could ever dream of having/doing. But that's what she deserves in my eyes, not His. 

I can't wait to see what He brings to her! What He brings is always exponentially greater than what we could EVER imagine, even from cancerous times.

Reminds me of another song... "Oh You Bring" by Hillsong United: "Oh You bring, hope to the hopeless. Light to those in the darkness/ Peace to the restless/ Joy to homes that are broken... I see You now. In You I'm found."

Let's grow in this together and see what He chooses to bring to us when we lay ourselves down for the glory of His name.

All my love, AJR